Friday, October 16, 2015

Inside

Long shirt - Singapore | Socks - Lowrys Farm | Shoes - Zalora | Bag - CELINE
I am bearing the world on my shoulder. I have always think that this world is cruel and unfair. People got bullied, abused, and mistreated. I got to see how people abused and bullied the weaker ones, not to mention that I have experienced it also during my school days. Because of the bullying and mistreating stuffs, I don't trust people now. I tend to move back when someone approaches me or just keep quiet as I'm scared to get hurt again. People might say I'm arrogant by doing this, but really its just the way I live now, the way I protect myself is by closing my shell and not letting anyone in. This world is becoming more and more cruel each day. I have always been a weak person. Yeah, mentally and physically. I suck at sports and I cry a lot like a crybaby. I can never see or walk pass a disabled person or poor people on the street without feeling sad or wanting to cry. It is like my heart is throbbing so hard and its being slashed. You might think nor say that I'm overreacting, but if you know me really well you will know how badly I want to help this people. If I have coins or small money, I will just give when passing through them. Sometimes, I didn't give them simply because I'm rushing, thus not able to take money from my wallet. I will just say sorry inside my heart while passing through them. When this happened, my heart aches so badly. It's like I have done something wrong. These simple little things make me realized how grateful I am to have my life the way it is now and not to ask more as there are other people that have lesser than me. At night before I sleep, I pray to God that He will bless every one that I love and to make this world a better place. A better planet. By better planet means no more cutting down trees please! I am a tree hugger kind of person. Nature must be conserve, and I hate those people who cuts down trees just for fun or merely unimportant purposes. Its like I can see and hear the animals crying when they cut down the trees. The trees are their home, their habitat, their environment. If you cut down the trees, where do you think they will live? On the street? No. They will die. Or they will just go to the city area and try to find food to keep them alive. And what people do when they found animals roaming around the street? They will probably shoot them when its human fault that they came to the city area. If people didn't cut and burn their home, they won't even bother us. My head is full of these kind of stuffs. about the world. the people. the planet. Basically, everything.

As time flows, I become more scared of reality. Yes now I'm in college and my mind is currently on the edge of whether I have chose the right path or not. Most of my friends went to different paths and they already started working. Yes my dear, they have started making their own money. Whilst I'm here stuck in college and projects and deadlines. I keep on thinking when will I be able to have a job or start to work and earn money? Or at least have a good stabilized job that can sustain me so I don't have to make my parents worried about my future. Talking about future gives me thrills, fears, and sweats, like seriously, no one knows what will happen in the future. The more I keep thinking about it the more I started to become sad, down and depressed. The questions started with "What if" begins to pop in my head. What if...is a scary question that makes you question yourself more. These questions are endless and have no answers just like love. Everyone wanted to believe that endless love was possible. I believed in it once too, back when I was thirteen. But I knew that love was messy, just like life. It took turns that people couldn't foresee or even understand, leaving a long trail of regret in its wake. And almost always, those regrets led to the kinds of what if questions that could never be answered. It will just make you more stressed out and usually, if I reached until this point, I will try to distract my mind by doing other stuffs like watching tv or playing laptop. Well, what if you stopped worrying? The world will look much better and you will feel much better by stop worrying about what-ifs. Those kids on the street would kill to have your life right now, everyone is struggling with their life they all have their own problems that is hard and difficult for them too. But they still try to be happy every single day n try to reach their goal. Be more positive. Life is beautiful. You should be grateful with everything you have. You don't know what others have to do just to get a better life. If you feel like you have lost your way, pray and God will show you the right way. He is always watching all of us and I believe he has already planned everything. And I trust him fully. When you are feeling down or depressed, remember this: God will not fail you. Be happy. Be yourself. If others don't like it, then let them be. Happiness is a choice. Life isn't about pleasing everybody. No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.

3 comments:

  1. I feel you. I started college and already thinking did I choose the right path and field of study. But it feels like it's too late to change and lack of motivation makes studying feel struggle. But I believe that someday all this struggle is going to be worth it :)

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  2. i feel you cath, i'm not a strong person as well mentally and physically and tend to shut people out~ i know it's actually bad habit but i don't know i keep on doing it tho and now i think we should go out of that comfort zone and go forward eh? #curhat and as for the 'asifs' questions it will always pop inside my head like all the time and it won't go out i guess :')

    cheer, michelle ~ http://livedreammagic.blogspot.com/

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  3. reading this blog post of yours accidentally somehow also touched my heart deeply.. I've just realized that you actually also do really care about humanity, the planet, not just about yourself. and for that I think I'm starting to admire & respect you even more~ =)

    I also often think about all these things,..and that's why I can also really understand & feel you, when you said all those things above..because that's what I honestly also often feel (& thinking).. and yes, it often make me even more sad, angry, frustrated, & depressed.. sometimes I feel like humanity/mankind is almost hopeless..

    but I guess what's strange & funny is that inside each & every human (including us), there is always this little voice called "HOPE" .. and perhaps that's what can make the world a better place : HOPE,..Hope for a better future, Hope for a better Humanity, Hope for a better life, Hope for our dreams, Hope for ourselves to be better, etc etc..
    Maybe, just maybe,..if there are more people still dare to dream, hope, & love more,..despite all the too-often cruel, harsh, cold reality,.. then maybe our world & humanity can slowly start to change into a better place & future..

    there is one quote that I really like & often touch me deeply.. whenever I'm feeling really down, frustrated, depressed, & hopeless :
    "Be the Change you want/wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi
    let's keep trying to "Be the Change" ,. in this big, vast world.. do each our own parts,. little by little.. "make the world a better place" (like Michael Jackson's song "Heal the World" .. ^_^ )

    -Niki-


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